Canzoni d’amore

I. The Joy of Cooking

If you are doing your own butchering, you must familiarize yourself with every bone in the animal’s body.

Cuts from the central spine portion of quadrupeds are the tenderest between the shoulder blade and hip socket.

Meat from the shoulder and foreshank in front, and from the rump to the hind shank will need slow, moist cooking in order to break down connective tissues.

To prepare Steak Tartare, scrape three pounds of top sirloin using the back of a knife until only fibers remain.

Blend meat with two egg yolks and 1/2 cup minced Bermuda onion.

Reserve one quarter of the meat and shape the rest into small balls with a depression in the middle.

Into each cavity place one caper and 1/2 mashed anchovy.

Close the tops with the reserved meat.

Dip each into two unbeaten egg whites and roll in 3/4 cup chopped parsley.

Serve with buttered pumpernickel and radish roses.

Commonly known as "mountain oysters," the testicles of young lambs are a great delicacy.

To prepare, slit the loose outer skin along the entire length of the swelled surface without disturbing the flesh beneath.

Soak in cold water for about three hours, bring to a boil and drain.

Serve with lemon slices or combine with scrambled eggs.

Empty the intestines of a just-slaughtered young pig by turning them inside out and completely scraping off the mucous covering.

Singe and clean the pigs’ ears well, covering with salted boiling water.

Skin and cut into coarse julienne strips and serve as an entree with mashed potatoes.

Skin and quarter a calf’s head.

Clean the teeth with a stiff brush and remove the ears, brains, eyes, snout, and most of the fat.

Chill and cut into slices with French dressing to which you have added the diced cooked brains.

Heart, which is rather firm and dry, is best prepared by slow cooking.

Before cooking, wash it well, removing all fat, arteries, veins and blood, then dry carefully.

Steam, chill, and degrease it.

Serve with spoon bread.

The texture of tripe, the stomach lining of ruminants, should be like that of soft gristle when cooked.

Line the bottom of a casserole with successive layers of tripe, onions and beef suet, topping with split calves’ feet.

Pour 1/4 cup brandy and enough hard cider to cover all ingredients.

Bake at least 12 hours and serve with boiled potatoes.

Scrub and trim a beef tongue by removing the roots, small bones and gristle.

Cover with boiling water and skim off any scum after five minutes.

Simmer uncovered until tender, drain, then skin and reheat in the cooking water before serving with hot mustard sauce or capers.

Lamb kidneys are somewhat soft and flat in flavor, and should not be washed or soaked in water.

Never allow kidneys to boil in a sauce, as this only hardens them.

Sprinkle with grated cheese and broil.

Calf pancreas and thymus, commonly called sweetbread, is highly perishable and should be prepared for use as soon as purchased.

Soak at least one hour in a large quantity of cold water to release any blood.

Drain and trim by removing cartilage, tubes, connective tissue and tough membrane.

Secure with wooden picks and serve with tomatoes provençale.

Brains may be used in all recipes calling for sweetbreads, but they must be very fresh.

After soaking in cold acidulated water for two hours, skin and resoak them to remove all traces of blood.

As they are mushy in texture, firm them by simmering for twenty minutes.

Allow one pound of brains for four servings.

Mix in a bowl 1/3 cup whipping cream, two beaten eggs, 1/2 pound lard diced into 1/2-inch cubes, and 2 cups fresh pork blood.

Fill sausage casing three-fourths full and place sealed casings in a wire basket.

Place equal parts water and milk in a large pan and bring to a boil.

Plunge the basket into the water for fifteen minutes.

Test for doneness by piercing sausage with a fork; if blood comes out, continue cooking.

Kill a trout with a sharp blow to the head.

Split and clean it with a single stroke, then plunge it at once into boiling water.

The white eyeballs pop out when the fish is done.

Serve with a garnish of parsley.

Make sure that your octopus is dead by pummeling it on the head.

Remove the anus, eyes, and beak, taking care not to pierce the ink sac.

Discard the ends of the tentacles and cut out all cartilage.

Wash the fish well in running water to remove gelatinous tissue.

Octopus needs long, slow cooking.

When plunging octopus into boiling water, drop it with a sliding motion head first so its tentacles won’t spread out.

For squid, grasp the head firmly just below the eyes and pull the outer portion of the tail free from the rest of the body and fin section.

Cut the tentacles free just above the eye section.

Discard the eye section along with the innards.

To stuff squid, cut below the eyes and discard the head and tentacles.

Clean the pouch thoroughly without splitting it, then cut out the fins and pull off the black skin.

Stuff with rice dressing and tie each pouch at the top.

Bake about one hour or until the squid is tender.

Kill your eel with a sharp blow to the head.

Slip a noose around the eel’s head and hang the cord on a hook.

Cut the skin about three inches below the head all around and peel the skin back, pulling down hard until it comes off like a glove.

Clean the fish by slitting the white belly and removing the gut.

Boned, cut into three-inch pieces and dried, eel may be dipped in batter and deep-fried until golden brown.

Serve with fried parsley and lemon wedges.

Scrub your snails until all slime is removed.

Cut out the opercula and put the snails into a large stainless pot.

Rinse them in acidulated water and drain, then cover with boiling water and cook for five minutes.

Drain, cool and remove the snails from the shell with an oyster fork.

Hold the upper part of the snail with thumb and forefinger and score the lower part of the body to pull out the swollen intestinal tube.

Simmer about three hours until tender.

Place a seven-inch turtle in a pan of cold water.

Bring water slowly to a boil and parblanch at least ten minutes.

Drain and plunge it into cold water until cool enough to handle.

Scrub well.

Place the turtle into rapidly boiling water, reduce heat and simmer until the claws can be removed by pulling.

Drain and allow the turtle to cool on its back in order to trap the juices.

Pry the flat plastron free from the curved carapace.

Near the head you will find the liver.

Free it from the gall and discard the gall.

Remove the meat from the carapace and skinned legs and toss with ground liver and chopped intestines.

Garnish with parsley.

Place a live crab face down on a board.

Make an incision just in back of the eyes and cut out the face.

Lift the tapering points on each side of the back shell to remove the spongy gills.

Slowly twist and pull so as to remove the apron and the intestinal vein simultaneously.

Remove the liver from the carapace will a small spoon.

Serve at once with tartare sauce.

When dressing small game, don gloves to avoid tularemia infection.

Sever the front legs at the joint and cut through the skin around the hind legs.

Tie the feet together securely and hang from a hook.

Pull the skin off the legs toward the hind feet, stripping it inside out like a glove.

Pull the remaining skin over the body and forelegs.

Sever the head and discard it with the skin.

Slit the carcass down the front.

Remove and discard the entrails except the heart and liver.

Wash the carcass thoroughly with acidulated water, then rinse and dry carefully.

Treat opossum by immersing the unskinned animal in water just below the boiling point.

When the hair slips out readily, remove the opossum from the water and scrape.

Skin and remove all fat from a raccoon, inside and out.

Soak overnight in saltwater, stuff with sweet potato and apple dressing, then bake covered about 45 minutes.

The only edible portions of a muskrat are the hams and shoulders.

Remove musk glands from under the legs and belly and the white stringy tissue attached to the glands.

Poach, slice, and simmer until tender.

Serve with creamed celery.

Hang woodchuck for 48 hours, soak overnight, drain and dry.

Use young beavers only.

Remove surface fat and avoid cutting musk glands, which must be removed from beneath the skin in front of the genitals.

Under its shell armadillo has a light, pork-like meat.

Broil and season to taste.

Tough, strongly flavored bear may be improved by refrigerating at least 24 hours in an oil-based marinade before cooking.

Place a 15 to 18 pound boar’s head on a shallow rack in a ham boiler with eyes, teeth and brains intact.

Pour one inch of water into the boiler and steam covered two to three hours.

After removing the head from the boiler, chill thoroughly then let it warm enough so the skin is pliable.

With a short knife, make a lengthwise incision from the base of the snout to the base of the neck.

Carefully loosen the skin, being careful not to puncture it, especially around the eyes.

Remove the head meat, discarding the skull, eyes, overcooked brains and as much fat as possible.

And if that doesn’t do the trick, hog-tie him, drag him to an abandoned coal pit and smash his fucking face in.

II. The Joy of Sex

Hey good lookin', what's cookin'?

Wanna get lucky?

Your place or mine?

How about a quickie?

You wanna exchange gum?

Wanna get lucky?

How about a quickie?

Wanna get lucky?

Your place or mine?

How about a quickie?

Hey good lookin', what's cookin'?

Wanna get lucky?

What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this, anyway?

Can I buy you a drink?

I know how to please a woman.

Nobody can give you what I can.

Can I buy you a drink?

C'mon, let's get horizontal.

You want it as much as I do, trust me.

When was the last time you saw a body like this?

What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this, anyway?

Can I buy you a drink?

Nobody can give you what I can.

Haven't I seen you in my wet dreams?

You have a body made for love.

Wanna dance?

Wanna massage?

Wanna dance?

Let's play doctor.

I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

Wanna dance?

They're playing our song.

Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

You have a body made for love.

Wanna dance?

Wanna full body rub?

Wanna get poked?

I promise it won't hurt.

Wanna get poked?

Mine's eight inches.

I promise it won't hurt.

I'll respect you in the morning.

Mine's eight inches.

Wanna get poked?

I promise it won't hurt.

I'll respect you in the morning.

I promise it won't hurt.

Wanna get poked?

Whatsa matter, don't you like men?

When was the last time you saw a body like this?

Mine's nine inches.

I know how to please a woman.

Whatsa matter, don't you like men?

I'm not good enough for you?

Whatsa matter, don't you like men?

I'm not good enough for you?

My wife doesn't understand me.

If I go on to someone else, don't blame me.

Mine's ten inches.

When was the last time you saw a body like this?

Wanna get lucky?